Top Fifteen Things Not to Say or Do to a Physically Disabled Person (by Dustin Craft)

This blog post was written by my friend Dustin and I thought I’d share it here. It’s written in a similar style as the “Ten Things Not to Say to a Pregnant or Trying to Conceive Woman” blog post that I put up a few weeks ago.  Also, I want to put a brief plug for a sermon about heaven that I preached this past weekend at a joint prayer meeting. It’s called “Longing for Heaven” and you can find it at www.newphilly.cc or right here. Without further ado, here is Dustin’s post!

Some of you might not know who I am, so I will introduce myself. My name is Dustin Craft and from birth I have been diagnosed with several debilitating diseases, and from the age of eight I have been physically disabled. By the time I was a freshman in high school, I lost my left leg from the hip down. This is my background. All of the following are statements and real events that I have personally received or been in, and many of my other disabled buddies.  

Top Fifteen Things Not to Say or Do to a Physically Disabled Person

1) I understand your pain./ I understand what you are going through./ I know just how you feel.

•  When my leg was amputated, one of the most annoying things that people would do was tell me that “I understand…”, especially when it was strangers or people that were not in my inner circle. Honestly, all that was going through my mind is “You have no idea!” and “You are full of it”. Don’t get me wrong, we understand the heart behind it, but it is really impossible for you to truly understand what I have been, unless you been through the same thing.  I preferred questions like “How are you doing?”. But please sure it is not questions out of pity, but out of true empathy for the person.  If you can not sound like you truly care, please refrain from asking these questions, unless brought up by the disabled person. Personally, I preferred the question “What is it like to be one-legged?”, I knew then that were truly interested in who I am. Trust me  No disabled person really wants sympathy, but they crave empathy. Please remember that.

2) I’ll pray for you to be healed./ If you believe, you can be healed./ It is all a mindset, if you change it you will become normal.

1. I’ll pray for you to be healed.

• As a Christian, I can understand the heart behind this, but don’t do it unless you mean it. So many times people came up to me and said I am going to pray for you to be healed, and they never pray me or they give up on praying for me because I was not getting  “immediately healed”. That is very discouraging when the church members give up on praying for you, or don’t even really do it. A lot of times when I received that comment it felt like it was out of pity, or that some of them considered me to be a lower level of a person than them. If you going to say it, make sure that you follow through with your words.

  2. If you believe, you can be healed.

• I don’t know if this is just in my experience, but it seemed like everyone I met presumed I was Christian. Many of my non-Christian Disabled buddies agreed with this one too.  Yes, according to Christianity(my own belief) it is possible to be healed if you have the faith. So let’s talk from both points of views.

• Christian: As a Christian this phrase can be very detrimental phrase to disabled people in the church. I will start with baby Christians. People use to come up to me and tell me if I just believed hard enough, God would heal me. Boy, did I try hard. I was praying, fasting, and doing everything I could that God could heal me, but it didn’t happen, and I was confused, sad, and wondering what did I do that God would not heal me. Even though I have matured in my faith, I have a chronic medical problem, and people still come up to me and say it is your faith, it needs to be stronger. But what most people don’t understand is that it is hard to be full of faith all the time when you are sick. Sometime you need people to stand in the faith with you, not against you. I am always thinking, where is your faith that I will be healed. People are like I have faith for myself to be healed, and no I am not sharing, find your own.

• Non-Christian: 1) It turns people off from Christianity. 2) Causes some disabled people to feel hopeless. That there is no hope from them. Simple as that.

3. It is all a mindset, if you change it you will become normal.

• Please Just don’t ever say this to any disabled person. It shows your own level of stupidity, and just no. I am going to leave at that.

3) I thought you couldn’t do that./ You don’t look disabled/ I don’t even think of you as a person with a disability.

1. I thought you couldn’t do that. 

• This usually goes with invitations. Many times I have not been invited to             something because people presume I can not do it or would not want to sit there and watch other people accomplish that.  I will let you know my limitation, and what I can and can not do. Even if I can not accomplish the task, I would still like to go and hang out with everybody. Don’t presume, ask.

2. You don’t look disabled.

• This is usually an annoying statement. Before I lost my leg, I was still very disabled physically. When people found out, they would say” You don’t look disabled”. My reaction was like, do you want me to wear a sign with what my disability is? It is just rude. You may mean it in a nice way, but it never comes off that way.

3. I don’t even think of you as person with a disability. 

• This one I really see the heart, and I am personally ok with it. There are some disabled people that say it can be a complement or an insult. Some people are glad that you are seeing them as a normal person. However, there are people that see it as you are not recognizing who they are, basically ignoring their identity. They see it as you saying things like “ I don’t think of you as a woman” or “I don’t think of you as being black.”. So just be careful.  Know the person first.

4) You look amazing./ Don’t worry you can get any girl/boy.

You look amazing. 

• Being disabled sometimes leave people with facial deformities. We live in a world that is based on our physical image. Yes, everyone has a level of beauty, but honestly, if you don’t believe, we can tell. Don’t lie. It is ok.

Don’t worry you can get any girl/boy.

•  No, we can not get any girl/boy. That is something that is not in our game, especially when talking about marriage. We have to get a girl/boy that very understanding and confident. We are ok with the fact that we can’t get everyone. Anyway, who would want to get any girl/boy, when you can have the one. Just my  thought.

5) You are so inspirational.

• Don’t get me wrong, if you find my story inspirational that is great. But please be smart when you tell it too me, or any other disabled person. One time I went up a flight of stairs on my crutches, and my friend was like you are my inspiration. I was like “for walking up the stairs”, and he was like yes. One person even told me for getting out a chair by myself, that I was inspirational. That is not the best timing, and best subject. I don’t say good job for you putting on your pants correctly. Just be wise when you say it.

6) It must be great to sit in a chair all day.

•  When I was in a wheelchair, some people would tell me it must be great to sit in a wheelchair all day. Yea, that is no. I was confined to a wheelchair for about year and half. You have no idea how I missed walking. Just because you wish to be lazy, don’t presume everyone else is that lazy.

7) How do you go to the bathroom?

•  Personally, I never understood this question. You want to know how I use the restroom. Ok here is the answer, I walk into the restroom, lift the lid, unzip, and boom. Not all physical disabilities cause problems with going to the restroom, and if it does it is not a conversation that people want to have. Do you ever want to talk about when you have a hard time to poop?

8) What’s wrong with you?/ Were you born that way?

What’s wrong with you?

• Depending on the person, this can be an ok question. But it better to get to know the person some before you ask this question.  It is a private condition for most but there are people who are ok with it and welcome the question. I am open to people asking over them just staring at me and wondering.  But don’t ask super details unless you have a medical background. I was always annoyed when people ask what disease precisely. If they were famous diseases, I would of told you, but if I explained it in another way, it is for your understanding. Trust me I have told many people my story, and have perfected the way for people to understand.

Were you born that way?

• This can be a very personal question for some like the previous one. But it is not really the question, but it is the attitude that comes with it. Usually the questions comes with a condescending tone or I’m sorry tone. Which something that people don’t want to hear.

9) Yes, speak to me slowly because my physical disability means I have a mental disability too. 

• Because you have a physical disability it does not mean that your hearing, sight, or intelligence is lowered. I can not tell you the amount of people that have come up to that started speaking slowly and loudly. It was quite annoying and frustrating that people would do that. Honestly, when it first started happening I thought something was wrong with them.

10) It could be worse.

•  Yes, I agree with you. It could be worse. Every disabled person agrees with you on that point. For a lot of disabled people this is a reminder. As we get older, it is going to get harder for us in life.  It is generally something that you don’t want to say, especially if you physically better off than us.

11) I know people with your problem, and they are great.

• Depending on the problem, I doubt that you know someone with exact same problem. Yes, there is the chance. But what you must realize there is different levels of every problem, mindset of the individual, healthcare available, culture, and which stage the disability is at. So don’t tell this to people, unless they are having a pity party on themselves, and you are in the inner circle of friends and family.

12) Awww, it is so terrible that you are disabled. I feel sorry for you./ I would rather die, than be disabled like you.

Awww, it is so terrible that you are disabled. I feel sorry for you.

•  Again, this is another “What The” moment for me.  I don’t understand the point of why in the world you would say this.

I would rather die, than be disabled like you.

•  Several people have actually told me this.  Great way to build a person’s confidence, not. Life is precious, not matter the status.

13) Congratulating me like I won the Olympics

• One of the things that you will find out is that most disabled people hate sympathy, but desire empathy. Some of the weirdest and most frustrated moments in my life is when I am doing simple stuff and people congratulate me like I won the Olympics. Being disabled is something I live with, not something that dominants me. Yes, I may have to do it different, but it my normal life. Nothing that big.  Example  of this was when I was carrying my lunch tray, by myself, people started clapping. It confused me, and I thought someone famous was there, I almost fell because of it.

14) Keep on helping me after I say “No, thanks”.

• Like I said in point 13, have empathy not sympathy. Yes, it may look like I am having a hard time, and it may be difficult for me. But I am learning to adapt, I am learning how to live with what I have, if I need help, trust me I will ask for help. If I said “No, Thanks”  please refrain from asking again. If you keep helping me, I will never learn how to live with my disability. Sub-point: Also don’t stand there and have “I’m sorry” look on your face.

15) Must be nice to get a free ride./ Why don’t you get a free ride?

Must be nice to get a free ride. 

• Not everyone who is disabled, is getting a free ride. So please don’t presume like you know their situation. Secondly, it is nice?  Would you want to trade positions with me? Wanna to chop off your leg and give it to me? I think not, so until you are willing to do that it is best to not speak at all on this subject.

Why don’t you get a free ride?

• I like to earn my own living. I don’t like handouts. Many disabled people that work have this same mindset, and many that can not work still have this mindset.

** Side Note** What is Empathy?

I consider empathy to be one of our greatest assets that the human race has in its genetics. It has the ability to transcend race, social class, nations, and cultures. However, it might be the trait that is not used properly by most people. As mentioned above, disabled people crave empathy, and not sympathy. BUT what is empathy? I consider that empathy is trying to understand and care for a person in their current situation, while pushing them to become a better person than their current condition.

One of the greatest acts of empathy that I have ever received was done by Sensei Scotty Baker. He was my first martial teacher, that forever changed my character. I remember the first class, he asked what I felt about my ability, what I thought I could do, and how I felt about being disabled, and then he asked to borrow some of my extra crutches. When I came back to the next class, he preformed all the katas with and without crutches( and on one leg). That inspired me, because he was trying to put himself into my condition to show me that it was possible for me to learn martial arts. Every time in class, when I believed that I had reached my limit, he understood my thoughts, and showed me how to go beyond what I thought I could do at that moment, and pushed me to the next level. Because of his empathy, I achieved the rank of a 3rd degree black belt. His empathy taught me how to fight through every struggle that I have gone through in my life.