Helping Guard a Young Woman’s Heart

I have discovered that people all mature differently not just physically, but also mentally, spiritually, and relationally. I have found some of the most spiritually mature people to be complete children in terms of dating and relationships with the opposite sex. I’ve been horrified by stories of pastors who straight up told a woman they liked, “God said we are supposed to be married.” Somehow a few of those such stories ended up succeeding, but many more (many more!) ended up in fear and hurt, with the young woman in shock and confusion that such a “mature man of God” would speak something so forward and controlling. I’ve also been shocked by how some prominent Christian leaders have chosen text messaging to send mixed signals to different young women to test the waters, also leading to a lot of confusion and hurt. I shake my head every time I hear these such stories.

Proverbs 4:23 – Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

A truly relationally mature man thinks of others before thinking of himself. Such a man will choose to guard the hearts of others, not rip them open or play around with them. A woman is to be honored, not to be conquered or taken advantage of.

Here are a few tips for helping guard a young woman’s heart (and women, please apply these to yourself as well and not let immature men mess with your heart)…

1. Social Media – I’ve blogged about Dating and Social Media before. Here is a tip: No texting or e-mail until the initial dating phase is over and you are going steady (boyfriend/girlfriend). Texting (including communicating via Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc) and e-mail can send multiple messages because you cannot see the emotions behind the words. A true man can talk face to face, not hide behind a phone screen or a computer screen. If there is a long distance between the two of you, then use Skype or Facetime to video chat. Personally, I don’t even like the phone being used during the initial get to know you/dating phase, unless it is a simple phone call to ask the person out on a date.

Text messaging and e-mailing also can be done at almost anytime and can easily invade a person’s private space. If done repeatedly it can cause the other person to think about you often, simply because he/she keeps getting messages from you. That is unfair and is unhealthy. Protect her heart! Don’t barge your way in by sending a ton of text messages. By keeping your conversations to one on one dates you are allowing her to have time in between to think through the dates and make a clear decision about moving forward.

After a few dates, once it’s clear both partners are committed to moving forward in the relationship, then texting and e-mail can enter the relationship. At that point she already knows where he is at, so her heart won’t be messed with by the texting and e-mail.

For the love of goodness, don’t ask a girl out via Instagram or Facebook. Don’t drop a bunch of comments and think she will get it. Be a man and talk to her, or give her a call if there is distance between the two of you. That will honor and help protect her heart.

2) Take it Slow – The process of dating should go something like this: Ask her out on a date. If she says yes and then the date goes well, ask her out on another. Continue this process for a few more dates. Unless it’s clear from date two that she is very committed, give it at least four – six dates (sometimes longer if it’s someone you’re just getting to know and don’t already have a friendship with) before you ask her to take the next step and be your girlfriend (“going steady”).

A date shouldn’t be: “Had brunch together. Then walked in the park before going to a movie. After the movie had dinner at a nice French restaurant. Went to a musical. Ended the night looking at the stars.” That is RIDICULOUS. If your first few dates are that intense, then you’re going to be very bored around date six after you run out of ideas. Too much in early dates can be overwhelming and unhealthy.

A date should be something like: “Had dinner together at a cute restaurant (not a crazy expensive one) and then went for a walk together” or “Had lunch together and then went to a cafe to talk a bit more.” A date shouldn’t be more than a few hours, max. Enjoy this early dating process. Get to know each other. Avoid movies since there is no communication between the two of you during a movie. Save the movies until later. Don’t try and bust open her heart with crazy romantic acts. Save that stuff for until she is committed to you and ready for it. 

Women need to feel safe. Be yourself with her and honor her during the dates. Don’t try and be someone else. As time passes she will trust you more, and as she trusts you her heart will gradually open. Then when you do extra sweet things for her she will fully receive it, with joy. It’s important to be patient until she feels safe. Take it slow!

3. Keep Clear Boundaries – Immature guys think of themselves first and will selfishly do as they please, invading other peoples’ space trying to get what they want. An immature guy will not have boundaries with the opposite sex. I have seen a number of clueless guys hang out one on one with girls for extended amounts of time. Some of these guys aren’t interested in the girl, but because they’re spending so much time with her people begin to think there might be something going on. Usually this catches up to the girl. Some girls are mature enough to confront the guy and ask what’s going on (DTR – Define the Relationship… are you interested in me or do you see me just as a friend?). Other girls aren’t as strong. I put the fault more on the guy. The guy should be the one protecting the girl’s heart, not vice versa. If you’re interested, then ask her out on a date. If you’re not interested, then don’t act like her boyfriend. Keep clear boundaries.

As awkward as it may sound, in the past I’ve made it a point to have a simple DTR with girls that I have done a lot of ministry with and have had good friendships with. I didn’t say stupid things like, “Just so you know, I don’t like you.” Instead, I would say something like, “I don’t want you to ever worry about anything between us. I care for you as a brother-in-Christ and as a friend.” Clearing things up has enabled those friendships to be strong and healthy, without confusion or concern. During my single days I also had a couple friends I would keep accountable with who would let me know if ever they felt I might be giving the wrong signals to someone.