First Date Advice
Dating on TV and in movies is pretty unhealthy/unrealistic: “We just met, after a couple hours with you I am now head over heels for you, this is so exciting, let’s sleep together tonight.” Such dating is heavily based on physical attraction and lust (allowing free rein of desires/emotions). And so sadly a lot of my generation has been programmed to focus on looks and to want wild, emotional feelings from the very beginning. But to put so much focus on looks and to want those wild, emotional feelings for people you barely know is just plain stupid, and even scary. Relationships and marriage should not be taken so lightly. And the same goes for purity. There is a need for wisdom. Kids make decisions based on their emotions. Mature adults learn how to submit their emotions to wisdom.
I’ve found that because of the programming of the media and because there is little advice out there, a lot of people struggle with the initial stage of dating. This blog post is a tad long, but I hope it is helpful. Mostly this post is advice for those approaching their first date. A lot of it was taken from an e-mail I sent to a friend recently…
Asking someone on a date/being asked out on a date – This should be simple yet honoring. It shouldn’t be done in a rushed manner or in a crowded place. Preferably (especially if it is possible), the guy should ask the girl in person and not over the phone for a date. The asking out on a date should be simple, something like: “I wanted to ask you if I could take you out for a date. I’d like to get to know you more.” If the person is caught off guard or gives a long pause, then follow up with, “If you need time to think about it I can call you later in the week.” For the person receiving the date request, try not to think way too deeply about it. If you’re not in a place to be dating, then just say no. But if you are wanting to get married and the guy is stable, then give him a chance and go on at least one date. Oh, and, for the love of goodness, DO NOT ASK A PERSON OUT OVER SOCIAL MEDIA. You are not a child who has to hide behind a screen out of fear of rejection. If the person is far away, then call the person on the phone or do a Skype call. Please don’t text or drop a Facebook message. That is junior high level.
First date/initial dating advice – For your first date(s) please keep it simple. No expensive restaurants and never a bunch of activities. Initial dates (let’s call it “Stage 1”) should be limited to either a meal and some time at a coffee/dessert shop, or a coffee shop and then maybe a simple walk together. There shouldn’t be going to jazz clubs, watching movies or gifts or anything like that. The focus should be getting to know each other, not excessive wooing (don’t overwhelm her!) or doing activities where you aren’t focused on each other (like staring at a movie screen). Stage 1 is just a simple, get-to-know-you phase. Usually it takes at least a few dates, typically 4 to 6, before commitment to a dating relationship should be made (becoming boyfriend/girlfriend). Once there is clear mutual interest and commitment (official boyfriend/girlfriend), then the romantic stuff can come out (flowers, nicer locations, etc). There also shouldn’t be physical touch during stage 1. A simple hug goodbye is fine, but anything beyond that should wait until there is commitment. Make sure when you end the date you say honoring words to the other, regardless of how the date went (“Thank you for going on a date with me. It was nice getting to know you.” or “Thank you for dinner tonight. It was a nice choice of restaurant.”).
For the guy – Make sure you know the location of the restaurant and how to get there ahead of time. Make sure the place is open (so many people, including me, have messed this up on their first date). I suggest meeting her at the subway station/bus stop closest to the restaurant and walking with her to the location. If you have a car then definitely go and pick her up. Make sure your date is in an area where you won’t run into people you know. After the meal or coffee shop, you can walk her back to the subway/bus stop or drive her home (if she is comfortable with that). Your dates in stage 1 should never exceed 3 hours. 2 hours is a good amount of time. Imagine if she isn’t interested in you… three hours can become a very long time.^^
Have some conversation ideas in mind before the date. Here are a few…
- What’s your favorite country/place that you’ve traveled to?
- What are some of your favorite foods?
- What are some of your favorite hobbies?
- What movies/music/books do you like?
Take it slow in conversation and don’t rush through the questions. The questions are meant for you guys to to get comfortable in conversation and see if there is any connection. Don’t be discouraged if you have differences in interests, just continue to make conversation and get to know each other. Enjoy the moment. Show yourself grace and be confident in yourself.
It’s important to keep your heart closed during stage 1. What I mean by that is do not get ahead of yourself and think of the future. Just enjoy the moment. Get to know the other person. See if there is any connection. See if you both enjoy being with each other (are you genuinely smiling?). Usually it will take a few dates before you will know if something is there or not (if you’re not genuinely smiling by the third date then that is usually a sign not to move forward). Most people know after 4 – 6 dates whether they want to go to stage 2 or stop. If they decide to stop, then it shouldn’t be painful since their hearts were guarded. Also, in order to keep your heart closed there shouldn’t be too deep conversation about past scars or deep family issues or subject matter that will cause your heart to open too much. For more on guarding the heart (and protecting the other), please read this. Past scars and deep family issues are important, but those things should wait until stage 2.
Last, you should also avoid texting/e-mailing the other person during stage 1 (for more extensive stuff on dating and social media please read this). Phone calls should just be made to ask for another date. If your first date goes well, then you can ask for a second date at the end of the first date. If you aren’t certain, then you can call the next day and ask over the phone for the next date. If interest wanes and you don’t want to go on another date, then tell the other person some things you were blessed by about them but that you think it’s best to just be friends. If you have taken wise steps of protecting the other person’s heart, then this shouldn’t be a painful process. No commitment was ever made, so neither person has a right to be angry if the other person does not want to go on another date.
Here are some more of my blog posts on dating: https://www.comequicklyministries.org/blog/category/dating/.
