Some Tips for a Healthy Dating Relationship

After the positive feedback from my last blog post (Dating and Social Media) I’ve decided to write a couple more entries about dating. Here are a few tips for having a healthy dating relationship…

– RELAX. I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t mature dating wise at the same rate as their maturing spiritually/mentally. I’ve seen some very strong, mature people go back to acting like an awkward high schooler when they ask a girl out. I think it’s because dating is like a new realm, and just like when you ride a bike for the first time or ice skate for the first time (or for the first time after not having done it for a long time) it can be a bit awkward, no matter how grown and athletic you might be. For people with a healthy view of dating, they don’t take it as pressure packed as a lot of Christians make it and they just relax and enjoy the ride. So many Christians put way too much expectations/burden into dating, especially at the very beginning when there should be almost no expectation other than that the guy is going to pay for dinner. I’ve seen friends close doors to people who would potentially be a great partner to them (this will be my next blog post). My friends wouldn’t even give them a chance because their expectations were too high of who they would date. I’ve also seen some people waaay over-analyze dating someone because they think they should know from the first date whether the person will be their spouse or not. Newsflash: You aren’t going to know whether he/she is the one right away. Romance = mystery. God never told me Sky was the one. He gave me encouraging visions about her identity and such, but He never spoiled the adventure of dating by saying, “She is the one.” I’m thankful for that. I’ve also found that a lot of couples, even those that seemed like the stars aligned for them, weren’t fully confident about each other until near their wedding day. So RELAX. If a person asks you out on a date, be open. If the person is mature and has someone keeping him/her accountable, then you shouldn’t have to fear some junior high dating drama. Just go on a date and have fun. Honor the person. If the date is a complete dud, then just say no if he asks for another. And don’t be discouraged if he doesn’t ask you out for another. It’s not the end of the world. Relax! Going on dates should be all about honoring the other person and treating them like someone else’s boyfriend/girlfriend and not going too deep right away. If you do that early on in dating a person, then if things don’t work out the break up will be surprisingly easy. Don’t go deeper with the person (long emotional talks, physical affection) until you are both in a committed dating relationship. Keep conversation light and fun. Do fun activities. See if there is basic chemistry. Learn about yourself as you go. Don’t throw your heart to the person right away. Just enjoy yourself. And relax!

– Grow with the Lord… when you’re single, when you’re dating, when you’re married. Keep growing with God, especially in community. Find someone in the community you can be accountable with; someone you trust and someone you respect. Accountability is crucial. Allowing a spiritual leader/mentor to speak into you really does help. Also keep in the Word and keep prayerful. When you’re dating don’t let the person consume you more than God. You will definitely find yourself thinking about that person more and more, but keep God in the thought process and keep real with Him.

– At the beginning of the relationship (once you are officially boyfriend/girlfriend) discuss physical boundaries. Keep Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4 in mind (“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires”). Dating is meant to be fun, but if the relationship gets too physical too fast then that aspect will begin to dominate the relationship, causing it to be unhealthy. Keep the pizza out of the room. Keep sexual temptation out of the relationship. Save it for later when you can fully enjoy it under the covenant of marriage. Some helpful tips for making wise physical boundaries are to avoid beds (this includes just sitting on them together), try to avoid being alone in rooms with closed doors, and definitely avoid cuddling or kissing in ways that you would feel embarrassed if someone walked in on you. Basic cuddling shouldn’t be a problem… but when it’s becoming sumo wrestling or an octopus fight, it can start to “arouse and awaken” love too soon. Sky and I agreed not to kiss until we were engaged. By then we knew we would be married soon and so we were able to loosen up with the boundaries. We remained pure until marriage. For relationships where marriage doesn’t seem in the near future, strong boundaries are critical, as is clear communication while dating. A person dating should be honest if they are feeling tempted and there should be a maturity in the couple (and accountability from outside) to make decisions to avoid putting the other in that position again.

– Enjoy dating! Try and go out often (for walks, for meals, for sports, for theater/shows, for whatever). Have fun and don’t let sexual temptation try and steal from the fun of getting to know each other and building sweet memories. I honestly wanted to get married as soon as possible when Sky and I were dating, but I was encouraged by older couples to not rush the wedding but enjoy dating as much as possible. Dating and being married are very different and each have their pluses and minuses. Dating is by far more romantic. You’re just learning about each other! Romance is all about mystery, so that makes dating a lot of fun! When you’re married there isn’t as much mystery anymore. When you’re married you see your spouse’s bad habits and weaknesses and your spouse sees yours. Everything is out there with marriage. Don’t get me wrong, marriage is super fun, sweet, and special, but dating has a special thrill. So enjoy your time dating, enjoy the anticipation of the next date, enjoy the fun of discovering neat things about each other, and enjoy building some memories together that you can look back fondly upon once you’re married. With all that said, I wouldn’t recommend dating for more than a year (unless marriage must be delayed) because sexual temptation usually gets harder and harder as time passes. Dating can also get old after a while because of the growing desire to finally be married and be together 24/7. Marriage is amazing, but dating is great too. Enjoy it!

– Avoid texting and e-mail and such early in dating. You can read my last blog post “Dating and Social Media” for my thoughts about that.

I didn’t think I would write so much about those few tips, so I’m going to stop here before this post gets too long. In case you missed the sermon I gave about sex, soul ties, and pornography, I want to encourage you to watch it below. It will definitely help as well for those thinking about dating and those already in a relationship.