Standards for Romance and Attraction

This past Sunday I shared at my church how I fell in love with Sky (“God of Romance”). It’s a sweet story with a lot of twists and parts to it that were clearly God working. A lot of people think that submitting your love life to God is both dangerous and boring. Most people want to have full control of when they’re ready for a relationship and who they should pursue. They want romance completely on their own terms. And a large number of those that do go to God regarding dating/marriage often approach Him in a demanding, entitled way… expressing disappointment or making demands. It’s as if we, the created ones, know so much better than our Creator who we should really be with and what we really need. For those who have been disillusioned regarding dating or for those who have trouble believing God can truly bring healthy, romantic relationships, please take a listen to the sermon (or download it here).

One of things I mentioned towards the end of the sermon is how Satan has been attacking modern day romance. Things have changed dramatically in the past 50 years compared to the previous 300 years. Diamond engagement rings were introduced less than 100 years ago. Standards for courting, the length of dating, how the wedding is like, standards of physical attraction, and expectations of romance have all dramatically changed. Hollywood knows that the easiest way to get a girl’s attention is to present a rich, handsome man who does some ridiculous things to win his girl. If you were to substitute the rich, handsome man with a poor, not-so-attractive man, then some of the same romantic scenes would actually be creepy/scary/horror. Check out these clips and see…

Imagine if Ryan Gosling was unattractive how scary this scene would be…

Scary! Creepy! There needs to be some sort of level of commitment before you can have healthy romance.

Now try this scene from Big Fish. The context of this scene is the guy is trying to win over a girl who is already engaged to someone else. The film tries to justify her running off with this man she doesn’t know by portraying her fiance as a bumbling oaf. Just watch the first 30 seconds and consider how creepy and ridiculous it is…

Girls love to be pursued and won over. But some things in Hollywood are just plain ridiculous. There is a movie coming out this weekend called 50 Shades of Grey about a psychotic rich, handsome guy who likes to dominate women, control everything they do, and get sexual pleasure out of inflicting physical pain on them after taking them into his “torture room.” Somehow a lot of women swoon over this guy. But if you were to substitute him with an old guy living in a shack, it would suddenly be a horror movie, not a romance (Sky made this remark).

This is where discernment is needed. Sky and I have counseled so many women with unrealistic expectations for how their boyfriend is supposed to romance them. Most of these expectations have stemmed from too many dramas and romantic movies. While those shows and movies aren’t all bad, there is a need for discernment. Romance should be gradual in a relationship, growing as you get to know each other and as you become more committed in your relationship. Hollywood likes it all backward. Hollywood loves fireworks at the beginning and immediate intimacy between the couple (sleeping together at the very least by the 2nd date). Most romance movies/dramas are about the initial dating process. Almost none are about marriages. This creates a misconception that dating must be amazing or else you’ve been cheated. And it also creates a lie that once you get married romance goes out the window and love is going to be boring. Lies!!! Sky and I have been married for 3 and a half years and still have our date days. We still do romantic things together. And we have so much more fun now because we know each other so much more! Dating is fun because it’s new and exhilarating. It definitely should be fun and memorable, but to set a high standard of how much fun you must have is selfish and is bad love. Love should go both ways. As much as girls long to be pursued and romanced, if everyone had the same mindset of “the other person must come pursue me and like me for all my flaws,” then no one would get married. Character development, presenting yourself well, and getting out there are all important. Just study the lives of Ruth, Abigail, and Esther in the Bible.

Satan hasn’t just been attacking the women though. Men in the 21st century have seen more beautiful women in their lifetime than all the men of previous generations COMBINED. TV, movies, magazines, and especially the internet have presented us with almost all of the very most beautiful women in the world, with them all covered in makeup and photo shopped! This has extremely damaged men’s standards of physical attraction. Porn has caused many men to constantly be looking around and not be content with only their wife (if they were truly content with just their wife, then why would they need the porn??). Discernment is also needed for the men. Check out these pictures of some well known celebrities, first candid (no make-up or photoshop) and then the second with make-up/photoshop/surgery…

Who is this?

Kristen Stewart from the Twilight movies.

Looking at those two pictures, almost all guys would choose the photoshopped magazine cover Kristen Stewart. But she only looks like that with a lot of makeup and with photoshop. So for a guy to be trained to only be attractive to girls like her, he is going to be disappointed no matter who he ends up with.

Next woman…

That’s Jennifer Lopez. Here is a recent picture of her at some awards show or movie opening…

Next picture…

Surprise surprise, even the most beautiful women struggle with acne or have other blemishes without makeup. Now here is a picture of Britney Spears with makeup and photoshop from this year…

Last, I had no idea who this woman was when I saw this picture of her…

She is pretty! But now look what she has done to herself (surgery plus a lot of makeup)…

That’s Kim Kardashian (married to Kanye West). Unless women want to get surgery and put on a lot of makeup, that standard of beauty is impossible to attain.

Men need to understand that just as romance should grow as the relationship progresses, so should physical attraction. If physical attraction is the main reason you pursue someone, then you are going to be very disappointed in 10 or 20 years after she ages a bit. But if it’s more her personality and her character that draw her to you, then if you get to know her and connect with her well you’ll soon find yourself also becoming more attracted to her physically. And that physical attraction won’t change. She might not look like Kim Kardashian, but no one looks like Kim Kardashian, not even Kim herself! Surgery really does wonders. Just as women need to have discernment and a filter regarding romance, so do men need to have discernment and a filter regarding physical attraction.

Again, Hollywood loves instant fireworks and instant intimacy. But Hollywood almost never shows 50 year olds who have been married for 20 years and are having the best sex of their lives together. That is probably unheard of for Hollywood. Instead for older couples there are almost always jokes of, “He/she isn’t attractive anymore.” That is so sad. If you find a Godly marriage where the initial attraction was more regarding character than fireworks/physical attraction, then you will find a couple still strongly attracted to each other even when they’re old and gray. That’s true love.

Give God your love life. Seek counsel from people you trust. You can also go to my blog and under categories select the “dating” tab to read more regarding dating/marriage.