Soul Ties and Controlling Parents

Serving at the children’s home the past seven years and studying child development along with also helping lead a healing & deliverance ministry at my church has given me two very clear perspectives on soul ties… the healthy ones and the unhealthy ones. I specifically want to address soul ties between parents and their children.

Studies have shown that children from infant to five years old who do not have someone steady in their life caring for them are likely to have RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), a very serious condition where little kids can kill animals and even other siblings and do other deviant behavior unheard of for children their age. Because they have no soul tie with a parent or guardian, Satan has free range on them. Such children need very special care and attention. I even saw an article recently that said that babies whose mothers are absent for just one day a week experience 70% more stress than babies whose mothers are there constantly. This soul tie between a child and the parents is healthy and brings life!

But this soul tie does not remain healthy forever. There is a reason why kids around 12 – 15 years old tend to start separating from their parents and start becoming a bit more rebellious. It’s not just their body experiencing puberty but their soul is also developing rapidly from child to adult. There is a reason why Jews celebrate Bar Mitzvah when a boy hits 13 years old. In their view (and in my personal belief, God’s view too) the boy at 13 (and Jewish girls at 12) have reached an age where they are now accountable for their actions. Their parents’ covering is now lifted. Before if the child were to get into trouble then the parents would be accountable. But at the “coming of age” the children are now viewed on the same level as the adults. It is at this age that the soul tie between the child and a parent needs to begin to be cut. It doesn’t meant that they are no longer family or that all authority is gone, it just means the child needs to become more independent and self sufficient. What do we call a man who still lives at home with his parents when he is 30 or 40? A mama’s boy. That is an example of a very unhealthy soul tie.

I preached a message in 2011 titled: Prostitution, Witchcraft, and Korea’s Parents. In its most basic definition, witchcraft means illegitimate control. Sadly many parents don’t know the boundaries between healthy parenting and unhealthily controlling their children. I’ve seen parents try and control what their children study in college, where they live, when and who they date/marry, along with other areas. Most of these parents have very innocent intentions in wanting to protect their children, but they are unknowingly hindering their child’s development and damaging their relationship with their child.

I’m thankful for my parents encouraging me to begin working part time when I was still in eighth grade and to continue to work most summers. While I was still financially dependent on my parents through college, I learned a lot about responsibility and I also had my own bank account and check book. My parents also gave me room to date, to make different plans, and to develop as a man. I know it must have been really hard on my mom for how I acted as I was growing (especially between 13 – 16 years old). During those years I would be embarrassed by her presence in front of my friends and wouldn’t want to show any affection to her in public. I feel ashamed when I think back to those years, but I know because she gave me space I developed healthily. My parents didn’t always agree with the choices I made in those years, but they never forced their opinions on me. I feel it took a lot of faith in God’s goodness for them to release me and let me make mistakes trusting God would be with me (they were praying protection for me of course). Most parents would rather just trust in exercising their own authority over their children than to let the children develop more freely when they become adolescents.

For young adults who still feel their parents trying to control them, one of the keys for healthily cutting the illegitimate control/unhealthy soul ties is to be financially independent. This is pretty much impossible for teenagers still in high school. For high schoolers I would encourage getting part time work and continuing to honor your parents as long as they aren’t instructing anything immoral. Serve them while keeping faithful to the Lord.

College usually brings a lot more freedom because most students are no longer living at home, but if their parents are paying for their tuition then their parents still have a degree of authority and control. If that control is becoming very unhealthy (witchcraft), then I would encourage the college students to get jobs and become independent, even if that means taking loans to also help with tuition costs (an example of this needing to happen would be if parents are adamant about pursuing a specific degree when you are clearly called to be doing something else).

For college graduates, regardless of whether your relationship with your parents is healthy or unhealthy, I think it is best to get your own place and not live at home. At some point you have to grow up and leave (Genesis 2:24). It’s not that you will never see your family again or that you can’t ever get advice/wisdom from them again, it’s just that boundaries need to change as we grow older. I’ve seen too many people relying too much on their parents to get any real vision for their lives. Jacob didn’t become a man or have vision for his life until he left his parents’ house (Genesis 28). Joseph, unlike his brothers, often stayed a home because he was his father’s favorite (Genesis 37) and acted a bit entitled, even tattling on his older brothers. It wasn’t until he was sold by his brothers and sent alone off to Egypt where we see his character really develop. He quickly became a man (Genesis 39:2), a successful one at that.

Genesis 2:24 – Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Marriage/dating/sex is a whole other blog post about soul ties that can come at another time. =) Hope this post blessed you!