Pre-Marital Counseling Advice
With a number of good friends getting married this year, I thought I would share some good resources for preparing for marriage.
Books
1. The best book I can recommend to couples is “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman. This book should be read by both the husband to be and the wife to be (it’s also great to read if you’re already married). John Gottman is a professor in psychology who studied many married and unmarried couples by setting up a “glass house” for them to live in, whether for a few hours or for a full weekend. The house was filled with cameras and he would encourage the couple to spend the time as they usually would. For those only there for a few hours, he would have them discuss different conflicts. His findings are all written in this book and are excellent. This book is not a Christian book (John Gottman is a Jew). But if you study some of his main points from a Christian viewpoint, you will see God’s wisdom in it. This book is also loaded with great questionnaires/activities for couples to do to get to know each other more. Read this book!
2. Another book that I recommend to couples who are about to get married is: “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman. This book is not for singles or for couples who aren’t engaged yet. I recommend starting to read it about a month before you get married. It’s a good read for both those who are completely inexperienced sexually and for those with a lot in their past. Get a healthy, fun, Christian perspective that isn’t all uptight or religious. Towards the end of the book are different tips with a few that Sky and I weren’t fully comfortable with. Every couple is different, though. I personally feel it’s important for both the husband and the wife to be comfortable with what happens in bed and that it’s also important that spouses meet each other’s needs (1Corinthians 7:3). I recommend couples read the book ahead of the wedding and then a few days before the wedding share expectations, concerns, and what you’re comfortable with and uncomfortable with in regards to intimacy. It is especially helpful to discuss expectations for the honeymoon. Intimacy is crucial in marriage as it is truly the most intimate a couple gets. If a couple is good at communication, confident in themselves, and comfortable with what they’re doing, then they will love intimacy. But if communication is poor, there is insecurity, and there is discomfort, then intimacy can actually be frustrating and unsatisfying. This book is a helpful read.
Sermon Series
My favorite sermon series on love and marriage is Tommy Nelson’s series on “Song of Solomon.” You can find this on iTunes under Denton Bible Church – Love Song. I had a lot of fun listening to the series (just six sermons) and also took a lot of notes. I recommend listening to these, whether you’re single, dating, engaged, or married.
Other Resources
There are countless Christian and non-Christian books out there on marriage. I’ve read a number of them and plan to read more. It can be hit or miss with the books, with some of them being too spiritual to serve as practical help for marriage. The Five Love Languages is a good book to read (or at least read the summary of the book). There are also a lot of books about Love and Respect (women need love, men need respect). Sometimes just reading the summary of those books can be enough.
More than reading and reading though, I suggest going on double dates with married couples that you respect and learn from them. Ask them about how they handle conflict, how they handle roles and responsibilities, and how they handle finances. Ask them how they’ve grown together as Christians. You can learn so much by talking with healthy, experienced couples.
Last, purity means so much for a healthy relationship. I recommend watching the sermon below to learn about the power of sex and of soul ties (so important for a healthy marriage!).
