The Most Important Thing in a Relationship
The amount you can trust someone’s love will always determine how open your heart is to them and how much love you will allow in. If you can’t trust their love for you, then your heart is mostly closed to them and you can only receive a little love. But if you can fully trust their love, then your heart is wide open to them and you can receive all the love that they have for you. This doesn’t just go for marriage, but for every relationship you have. If you can’t trust your dad, then you likely have closed your heart to most of his offerings of love. If you fear that your girlfriend or spouse might suddenly change, then that shows you don’t trust her, so you are unable to fully love her like you should.
When I first moved into Geon Christian Children’s Home (Korean orphanage) back in December 2005 the first question each kid asked me, whether elementary or middle school or high school, was: “When do you leave?” It wasn’t, “What’s your name?” or “Where are you from?” Instead, it was, “When do you go back to America?” I could sense right away that none of them trusted I would be around long. Growing up in the orphanage the kids are used to volunteers coming and going. They are used to the social workers there quitting every few years and their older brothers and sisters graduating and leaving the home. They are used to saying goodbye. Because these kids fear rejection, they would choose to close their heart toward new people who might eventually leave and in doing so let them down or hurt them.
I told each kid that I would be there for at least a year. Almost every single one of them were surprised I would even stay that long, and most of the older kids just nodded in a way of, “We’ll see about that.” After I was at the children’s home for nine months I had to return to America to see family and raise support. I told the kids I would be back in a month. I could tell most of them didn’t believe I would return. I was true to my word though, and when I returned I remember seeing their surprise that I had indeed come back. So few adults in their lives had kept such promises. After returning I noticed that most of the elementary kids were more open with me and trusted me more. I felt much closer with them.
I didn’t go back to America again until the spring of 2008. For that trip I had to go home for over six weeks because of my sister’s wedding and various speaking engagements. I again told my kids I would be back. I could still see a bit of disbelief in the older, jaded kids. I could tell the younger kids trusted me, though. When I finally returned from that long trip I was blessed by all of the kids’ responses. There was so much joy! I noticed after that trip all the kids in the home finally trusted me. Their hearts were fully open to me. They were receiving all the love that I was giving them.
If you can’t trust, then how can you receive love? The orphan spirit causes people to reject others before they can be rejected themselves. The orphan spirit allows for no trust. It can only be healed through dedicated, genuine love. Every test of that love causes lies of the orphan spirit to be revealed as false. Eventually every lie is extinguished and true love can be shared.
In Korea, sadly, most kids are taught that studying is the most important thing in their lives. Kids study everyday all day and into the night (no exaggeration). Sadly, many of the successful people in Korea struggle with depression and suicide. Although they studied well and got great jobs and for some even became famous, they didn’t learn the most important thing growing up: trust. And so they don’t feel genuine love and instead just feel empty, realizing that money and earthly success isn’t the answer.
Oak Tree Project provides orphans in Korea not just with scholarship money so that they can study (studying is indeed important), but also provides them with a mentor who is dedicated to them until they graduate from college. Oak Tree Project mentors call their student once a week and meet with them at least once a month for a good meal. They love these students no matter what. We want these orphans to fully succeed in life. We want them to get good jobs and influence society, and in order for them to truly influence for the better they must be anchored in trust and in love. It’s through these mentors consistently being there for them that they can learn and fully know that they are loved and have someone they can call family. They have someone they can truly trust, and that security can enable them to break through every wall! No more emptiness. No more suicide. Instead, trust and love!
In the Bible two people betrayed Jesus severely. Judas betrayed Jesus by helping the Pharisees and soldiers find Him and arrest Him. Peter then betrayed Jesus by denying Him three times. Peter was one of Jesus’ closest disciples and companions in life, but denied Him THREE TIMES in His greatest hour of need, with the third denial happening when Jesus happened to be looking right at Peter. Peter and Judas both horribly betrayed Jesus. Their end results were greatly different though.
Judas, after betraying Jesus, hanged himself. Suicide, just like so many Korean people (highest rate in the world). Likely Judas couldn’t imagine Jesus forgiving him. He probably couldn’t imagine the other disciples forgiving him either. So he killed himself, completely alone.
Peter was different. When he heard that Jesus had been resurrected, he ran to the grave to find Him. Later, when Jesus called to the disciples who were fishing in a boat, Peter jumped out of the boat in excitement and swam to the shore to be with Him. Peter had gravely betrayed Jesus before, but it’s clear that despite his sin Peter trusted that Jesus loved Him. Peter didn’t hide from Jesus out of fear that Jesus might angrily rebuke him or fully reject him. Peter went straight to Jesus! His trust wouldn’t allow for anything to come between them, even his own sin!
Our hope for the orphans of Korea is that they too will develop Peter’s heart towards God and also towards all our mentors and volunteers. No matter what mistakes these kids make and no matter what bad situations they might endure, our prayer is that they will trust our love and not run away. Our prayer is that they will come straight to us. We want to deal with whatever consequences there might be together. We want them to trust that we discipline them out love. We want them to know they are safe from rejection as they trust us and keep with us.
My hope is that every marriage I know will also be fully based on trust. That even when a spouse has a horrible day or does something really foolish, that there will still be a deep trust in love. If my wife Sky were to have a really bad day and say hurtful things, I will lean on the trust that she truly loves me and is fully committed to me, no matter what might be happening… and I know she would do the same if I were to have such a bad moment. Trust makes love unshakable. It remains patient and still through the storms of emotion and mistakes. There is no fear in love!
Trust is a choice. It can grow through experience and testing, but in the end it is a choice. The basis of choice to trust cannot be in man, no matter how good or consistent a person might be. The basis of our trust must be in God. We can choose to fully trust people and open our hearts to them, knowing that even if they fail us and hurt us, we are rooted in God’s love and trust and cannot be shaken. God’s love never fails!
