Physical Boundaries in Dating

While I spoke briefly about this in a sermon titled, “Sex, Soul Ties, and Pornography,” I wanted to give some clearer guidelines and tips for healthy physical boundaries in a dating relationship.

When I first dated in high school I didn’t really have any clear boundaries aside from wanting to wait until marriage for sex and also sensing that there shouldn’t be inappropriate touching. I knew the Bible said that sex was for marriage, but everything else was a bit gray. Because I didn’t have clear boundaries, my girlfriend and I hung out in ways that caused our physical attraction for each other to heat up way too quickly. When we broke up after just dating for six weeks I recognized it was God’s grace that things didn’t work out for us, because if our relationship had kept together much longer I would have lost my will power to hold back and would have crossed my boundaries… and I knew once one line was crossed that I wouldn’t be able to stop.

After that relationship the chorus of Song of Songs really spoke to me: “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). I realized that more than just saying, “I’m not going to have sex until I get married,” that I also needed to protect my mind and my body from being “aroused and awakened” to that aspect of love too soon. And from that first relationship I had learned about my own boundaries and what situations I should avoid to keep true to God’s command.

After the struggles from the first relationship, I resolved to be steadfast and pure with my second relationship. I was still a teenager and I knew I wouldn’t be able to marry anytime soon, so I knew it would only cause stress and unhealthy temptation if our boundaries were too loose. So for the second relationship I set up the boundary that we would only kiss standing up (like a kiss good night). Despite being far less affectionate physically, I had just as much fun with this second girlfriend as a I had with the first. And when we broke up although it was tough emotionally, it was far less tough physically. After my first breakup the sudden lack of physical touch was hard for me to cope with and there was a desire to seek that fulfillment in wrong places. But after the second breakup, there was no sudden drop off of physical intimacy, so I was much healthier in that aspect.

Everyone’s boundaries are a bit different. I learned that during the second relationship and I’ve seen it in many other relationships too. Guys and girls are aroused by different things. And for each couple there can be different situations that may cause more temptation than others. You have to be honest with yourself and with the person you’re dating in these situations. There also has to be a mutual respect and care for one another. If one person’s boundaries are looser than the other, the person with looser boundaries needs to respect the other’s in love and protect them.

Kissing and long hugs should not be happening between two people who are just going out on a date or two together and aren’t in a committed dating relationship. If you’re kissing before you’re in a committed relationship then you are demonstrating that you are both easy and that commitment doesn’t matter that much to you. Show respect to yourself and at least reserve such physical affection for a committed relationship. And once that commitment is made and you are in a dating relationship, it’s important to discuss boundaries early on and keep true to them. It’s also important to find accountability so that you won’t easily fall into temptation.

For Sky and me, our main boundary was that we weren’t going to kiss until we were engaged. Although I was pretty confident that Sky was the one even early in the relationship, my preference was that if we were to breakup that there wouldn’t be that physical tie between each other. Kissing is pretty intimate, especially for girls. My desire was to honor Sky as an unmarried woman while I was dating her, treating her in a way that wouldn’t evoke jealousy in her future husband or cause regret for her. Because we didn’t kiss while we were dating, our time together was really sweet and we grew closer quickly. We were able to have fun doing different activities together and have great talks together. Sexual temptation didn’t cloud our budding romance. We kept the pizza out of the room while we dated (see the sermon video below to fully get that reference).

Our first kiss was after I proposed to Sky, and I actually have video footage of my proposal below. You’ll have to skip through (or just watch) a short picture slideshow at the beginning to get it. After we were engaged, there was a confidence that we were committed to each other. We let our guard down a little more and grew closer physically. We still kept our boundaries in regards to unhealthy touching and we waited until we were married. Having accountability helped us. I knew I had a couple Christian brothers I had to update each month about how we were doing and receive prayer from. She had a couple Christian sisters she spoke with as well. My two accountability brothers were also dating. All three of us kept pure until marriage and all three of us have amazing marriages. Sure, we definitely got tempted at different times (that is normal), but by keeping prayerful, communicating with our girlfriends honestly, and also being honest with each other with how we were doing, all of us overcame the temptations.

Here are some simple tips for boundaries in dating… these aren’t God given rules, just my own advice…

1. If you can, wait to kiss until you’re engaged. Sky and I were really blessed by this boundary.

2. Get an accountability brother/sister (gender specific, duh) that you have to talk with at least once a month. The purpose of an accountability partner isn’t to be policed, but rather to pray for one another and keep each other’s head on straight. This helps so much! Make sure not to get a partner who is struggling with his/her purity or is disinterested. Make sure your partner is committed and prayerful.

3. Avoid beds. That seems like common sense, but beds are comfortable and alluring. If you study sleep psychology, you’ll find that beds are best meant for just sleep and sex, not eating or reading or other activities. Apply that wisdom to your relationship and avoid beds together until you’re married.

4. Avoid closed doors and solitary homes/apartments/dorm rooms. This especially goes for couples that are young and aren’t getting married anytime soon (as in within a few months). If you’re still in college and have no money in the bank, you’re probably not getting married anytime soon. Why set yourself up to the point you’re really tempted to sleep with your partner? Watch the sermon below to understand better why waiting for marriage is so important.

Like I said, every couple is different. Those boundaries are suggestions, not rules. But if your relationship is in the early stages or if you know marriage is a long way off, those boundaries can really BLESS your relationship.

At the end of Song of Songs (8:8-9) we read of some friends asking about what to do for their young sister. Their answer is that if she is a wall they will build towers of silver on her, and if she is a door they will enclose her with panels of cedar. A woman who is a wall is a woman who respects herself and doesn’t allow herself to get vulnerable easily. Such a woman will have strong boundaries and is worthy of being exalted (towers of silver). A woman who is a door is an unsteady woman with less self esteem and who can easily be taken advantage of. Such a woman needs to be protected (enclosed with panels of cedar) and needs help from others to establish healthy boundaries and get to the place of having a healthy, secure identity.

One last thing before I leave you to the video clips… is unhealthy touching (petting) in the Bible? It is! Ezekiel 23 is a very explicit chapter about two prostitutes. They are called prostitutes in the chapter for allowing “their breasts to be fondled” in their youth despite still being virgins at the time (they would soon lose their virginity and become full out prostitutes). All the books I’ve read on boundaries point to petting as the point of no return in relationships… once such caressing begins, you are blatantly arousing the other person which is against the chorus of Song of Songs. It’s unhealthy and once that boundary has been crossed, it’s difficult to go back. Save such touching for marriage (Proverbs 5:19). And understand God wants your sex life to be amazing, once you’re married. Boundaries aren’t meant to restrict you, but rather to bless you.

Here is the sermon on Sex, Soul Ties, and Pornography…

Here is the video of my proposal to Sky…

Here is our wedding video…