Dating and Social Media

Technology is moving at such a ridiculous rate that now a lot of young kids think that rotary phones are ancient artifacts. I didn’t send my first e-mail until 1996 when my family got America Online and then I used AIM for online messaging while I was in college. Most kids have never heard of either now. I got my first cell phone in 2003 and it was a tiny flip phone. Now that phone looks like it belongs only in old black and white movies. With technology changing so rapidly and more and more little kids having their own cell phones, communication and boundaries in relationships are getting fuzzier and fuzzier. So how should we handle this?

Before I give my two cents, here is a lovely video of some amazing kids from our 2014 Arts and Crafts Camp. These girls are from different orphanages around Seoul. We set them with committed volunteers who loved them and helped them make crafts each day. We ended the camp with ice skating. For more info about the camp, please see my blog post about it.

Now, back to dating and communication. I preached a message last year called “What’s On Your Mind.” In it I made the point, “You are always meditating on something, whether you know it or not.” You might be thinking about food, about sleep, about a TV show, about something someone said… whether you know it or not, you’re meditating on it. And the more you think about one thing, the more it shapes you. You see enough pictures of fried chicken and odds are you will begin wanting to eat fried chicken.

The danger with social media during the “getting to know you” phase of a relationship is that it can cause a person to set their mind on someone far too much to the point it becomes unhealthy. When you meet someone face to face or video chat with them, there is little left to the imagination. You can see their facial expressions, you can cover a lot of topics, and very rarely are there misunderstandings. But for texting and for e-mails, the amount of time it takes to have a deep conversation or respond to something takes far longer than a chat face to face. I have spent hours writing e-mails about things that I could easily explain verbally within 20 minutes. With e-mails, and even more with texting, the time spent writing them and then the time spent anticipating the reply can cause a person’s mind to meditate too much on whoever he or she is communicating with (especially if there seems to be an interest rising).

When a guy becomes interested in a girl he will usually turn into “hunter mode” and begin a strong pursuit. Guys first interested in girls will suddenly learn to be romantic and will try and do different things to catch the girls’ attention. While that can be lovely to watch for people in a committed, dating relationship, it’s just creepy to watch for people who aren’t fully sure about each other and haven’t defined their relationship yet. A friend of the opposite sex probably shouldn’t be texting you, “Good night. Sleep well. Sweet dreams” every night before you sleep. That’s just awkward. If some guy were to try to text my wife each night before she sleeps, “Good night. Sleep well” then he would get an earful from me, and maybe more, no matter how “close” of friends he might be. Again, that’s just awkward. But some people just don’t know boundaries.

Here are my two cents: When a guy is initially interested in a girl, he should keep his communication with her limited to either in person or over the phone. Texting and e-mailing should be off limits. It’s just too easy for a guy in “hunter mode” to overstep boundaries with social media… sending long e-mails, texting often, causing both people to be thinking of each other way too much than they should be. If the guy is interested in her, he should ask her out on a date. One date. There is no confession of love at this point. There is no, “Good night, sleep well” texting. Just a date to get to know each other. And if the date goes well, then he can call and ask for another date. And then after enough dates where the two know each other better, he can ask for her to be his girlfriend (a dating relationship). Once the relationship is defined and there is clear commitment, then social media boundaries can come down a bit. It was after Sky and I were in a dating relationship that texting entered, but even then it was only a small part of the relationship. We preferred being face to face or at least video chatting far far more than using e-mail or texting. The quality of the communication was so much better!

I think a good way to check your boundaries with social media is to think, “If this person were already in a relationship, would the way that I’m contacting him/her be out of line?” Calling at late hours in the night, texting often, sending long e-mails and anticipating replies… those things shouldn’t be happening between a married person and “a friend” of the opposite sex. If another person starts doing such things with you, don’t let flattery or curiosity pull you in. Be clear that you’re not comfortable with such communication. If you are interested, then give the person your phone number and tell them to contact you that way. Don’t let social media be a backdoor into a relationship. Be brave, go the right way and communicate clearly. You won’t regret it!