Dating Your Friends

I never thought I would marry one of my friends. My expectation was that someone new would come into my life that would be different and I would be attracted to her from the beginning. My expectation was that the relationship I would form with her would be different from all my other friendships. And so for a long time while I was single I would always be looking to meet new people. For some there would be initial attraction and high hopes, but after getting to know them the attraction would fade. Some people would comment that I was being too picky and that, “She is just under your nose.” As God opened my heart more and more for marriage I became a bit frustrated that I “couldn’t find her.”

Finally, just to get the ball rolling, I went on a blind date with someone, hoping that there would be a sudden clicking between us. Our blind date and follow up date were fun, but I honestly felt a bit sad that there weren’t fun shared memories between us or an instant connection allowing us to be silly/loose/our complete selves. The truth is, those things aren’t automatic and require time. In all my hopes to meet someone and experience a whirlwind romance, I realized then how much a foundation of friendship meant to me. Later, I found myself praying in ways like, “God, this person is wonderful and all, but I wish I could be with someone I could be fully goofy with, laugh with, and just be myself with, like my friend Sky.” Even in that moment I didn’t let myself consider Sky because I had known her for over six years and our friendship had always been platonic with clear boundaries (I helped lead her to Christ in college when she was 18 and I was 22). It wasn’t until later that night while laying in bed that I finally allowed the thought of Sky as a possible girlfriend come into my mind. I felt excitement, but I also felt fear. Here were my concerns…

1) If you date your friend then the friendship will never be the same again if the relationship doesn’t work out. I feared the thought of losing Sky as a friend if we wouldn’t work out together. But the more I meditated on this fear, the more I felt the Lord telling me, “Don’t be a coward.” Friendships between guys and girls don’t usually last after one of them marries someone. It’s not like I tell Sky now, “I’m off to spend time with my best friend Sally, I’ll be back later tonight.” That’s just weird. So to say, “We can’t date because I don’t want to risk losing our friendship” really is cowardice. You’re going to lose the friendship regardless, unless you both remain single all your life. It’s not that I’m not friends with other girls, but I definitely am not as close with them as I was before. Boundaries change. I’m so thankful I have Sky and I’m so happy. I never find myself mourning the loss or the change of boundaries of other friendships since I married Sky. I’m still close with my guy friends and get that connection, but my friendship with Sky through our marriage is far greater than any friendship I have ever had. I’m thankful I wasn’t a coward and I pursued her.

2) My other fear was simply that she wouldn’t be interested in me and would reject me, since she had always seen me as “just a friend.” Once again, I would have been a coward if I were to let this stop me from asking her, but this fear really did give me pause. Sky had never feigned any interest in me before and I knew she had never dated a non-Korean. I knew she really liked artistic and musically talented guys, which I am not. I definitely didn’t fit her “perfect guy” mold. But I couldn’t deny the fun we would have when we were together. What would you want more in your future mate: someone stunningly handsome and super talented but without much personal connection, or someone you would always have fun with or at least always feel comfortable and at peace with? Fun/comfort/peace should be the answer. And this is why giving a friend a chance should be considered, particularly if it is someone that you enjoy being with.

The irony is that for the previous girls I dated many years ago, when I first got to know them I wasn’t initially attracted to them! Instead it was as I got to know them more that I found myself growing feelings for them. And along with those feelings I began to see their true beauty and became more and more attracted to them. Although those relationships didn’t work out, I recognize that the attraction I had for them was pure and good… it was an attraction that wasn’t based upon youth or temporary beauty, but upon their true beauty. Desire for someone should never be at its peak in the beginning, instead it should be something that increases as you are together. So many want to fall hard for someone right away, but the truth is such a love has a very weak foundation. Love is something that is meant to grow, have roots and bloom with more and more beauty as time passes, not just explode for a moment. Just because you might not be physically attracted to the other person initially doesn’t mean that those feelings can’t grow. Give the person a chance, you might start to see them in a new way.

If you are in a place where you are stable and desiring to marry, then I want to encourage you to open your mind to the friends around you that you enjoy being with or feel peace and calmness with. Just because you may have seen the person as a friend (or even as a brother or a sister) doesn’t mean your feelings can’t change. Ask God for grace to see the person in a new light. You’re obviously potentially sacrificing the friendship in order to see if something more is there, so you might as well let God change your perspective of them a bit. It was as I saw Sky more in terms of God’s calling for her and also who she was as a lady (not just as an old friend) that my attraction for her really grew. She says it was the same for her. She initially wanted to say no to me, but took a couple days to pray and consider going on a date. It was during that time that God opened her eyes to me as who I am as a man, not just as her old friend. She began to see me in a new light, so she gave me a chance. I’m so thankful for that!

My last advice for this post: The last thing you want to do in a romantic relationship is treat the person you are with in the same way you would treat one of your siblings. Don’t be sarcastic or overly silly or teasing or simply unromantic. That will close the other person’s heart right away. Be a man. Be a lady. Have fun, but never treat your date or your spouse like you would your own brother or sister. Never disrespect them. I think one of the things that can block two friends from working out as a couple is if they allow old habits/behavior they may have had as just friends ruin the potential of romance. Put any childish ways behind you and honor the person you are dating.

Don’t close your heart to your friends. Platonic friendships get weird as you get older. Consider dating and giving things a try with your friend instead. Don’t let a platonic friendship steal you of the depth of intimacy you could experience in marriage. Try dating the person, and even if it doesn’t work out then at least that old friend you were spending time with will no longer be stealing your time and attention from someone else that might be right for you.

***If you aren’t in a place to be dating right now (for example: broke and jobless, way too young, unstable emotionally, or just getting over someone), then just store this blog post away for later notice.