An Orphan’s Fear

Mentoring orphans is not easy, to say the least. Most of the students in Oak Tree Project (www.oaktreeproject.com) are either true orphans with absolute no family connections (babies in a basket) or know of distant relatives but have little or no relationship with them. Our mentors are dedicated to connecting with their students for not just their years in college but for long after they graduate. Our prayer is that through the program the “lonely may be put into families” (Psalm 68:6) and that these orphans can finally understand what real family is like.

One of the hardest things for our students to grasp is the need for communication, especially regarding important life decisions. These students have grown up as orphans who have either been told what they have to do by a social worker or have just made their own decisions. They have never experienced talking about life with someone and receiving counsel or guidance. In their minds the social workers were never fully invested in them, so they prefer to just trust their own personal judgment and live their own way. They fear being controlled, manipulated, disciplined, or called out. They’ve been rejected by the people who should have loved them the most (their own family), so they fear that whoever they open up to will also let them down and only make them feel worse. So they live on their own and make their own decisions. And sadly for many of these orphans their decisions lead to a lot of pain, hurt, and depression.

My wife Sky and I have been mentoring two students for two and a half years now. During the first year both were a bit distant from us (trust needed to be built) and made a number of mistakes from their own decisions. Over time we’ve grown closer with both, but one of them continues to make decisions on his own. We keep telling him we care about him and want to help him, and we have given him a lot of wisdom, even after he has made his decisions on his own. He has learned a lot and appreciates us, but there is still a bit of a wall we are trying to break down.

This past week he shared with Sky during their weekly phone call that he was considering dropping this semester and taking two years off of college to study at a language academy (his minor is Japanese) while working and then to work in Japan for a year. This was a major decision! Sky encouraged him to look into things with his university and get back to us before making a decision. But then two days later she received a text from him that he had made his decision and dropped his classes. He wrote a long explanation of why he made his decision and ended the text, “I made the decision rather hastily. I know I should have spoken with you about it. I’m sorry I did it alone.” I knew he still didn’t 100% understand why he was apologizing other than Sky had asked him to talk to her before making the decision. In his mind he made the right, logical decision, and it wasn’t necessary to include her.

We video chatted with him that night. His decision was major and it seemed to be settling in on him. He would have to find housing by himself for the first time in his life, find a job, and register with the right language academy. In his mind he would just find the cheapest housing possible somewhere (a room the size of a closet with enough room for a mattress) and somehow get by. His thought process was like a typical orphan, completely on his own with no relationship or friendship to “tie him down.” As “free” as orphans try and believe they are in not being connected to anyone, the truth is there is a lot of emptiness inside them.

I spoke to him during our video chat and explained our heart behind wanting to talk with him before he makes big decision. I told him that the purpose of Oak Tree Project is not to give orphans scholarship money and give them mentors to police them, but rather that our hope is that through the mentors the students would experience family. I told him that family members talk with one another and feel for one another. I told him that our love for him is not temporary, but will continue long after he graduates from college. I told him that we only want the best for him and that the last thing we want is for him to suffer or be alone. He doesn’t need to fear that we are going to leave him or scorn him or love him less.

He listened well. Sky shed tears as I shared. He doesn’t know how to cry as his heart has always been strongly guarded. He was emotionless even when he lost a close friend in a motorcycle accident last year. But we could tell he was listening as we spoke and that the words were sinking in. In the past he wouldn’t have even apologized after making a decision on his own. We can tell he is starting to understand family. He still has a ways to go, but our prayer is that through our continued love and commitment that soon all the walls of fear and hurt within him will be fully removed.

1John 4:19a – There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.

A sermon I preached titled, “The Greatest Sin of a Father” – https://www.comequicklyministries.org/blog/dt_portfolio/greatest-sin-father/