How Do You Know He/She is the One?

At what point while dating a person will you know that he or she is the person you’re meant to marry? Every couple is different and I’ve known some that felt they knew within weeks of meeting each other and I’ve known others that needed much more time. Personally, I believe within a year a couple should know whether they are meant to be together or not, unless they are long distance and rarely see each other. In that case they may need more time. Here are some guidelines for knowing he/she is the one…

1. The first guideline has to do with yourself and with the other person separately: Are you both as individuals mature in your love? Love is selfless. The more selfless (unselfish) you are, the easier you can get along with anyone. Someone who has made many sacrifices for others will have a wonderful marriage. But those who are more inward focused (insecure, needy, has high expectations, etc) will not have an easy marriage no matter how “perfect” a match their spouse might be. I’ve personally met 18 year olds who are more selfless and caring than 35 year olds. Those 18 year olds were far more ready for marriage than the 35 year olds. But this selflessness needs to be tested. Serve others and check whether you’re expecting a return or not. If you are keeping records of how much you give then you actually aren’t that selfless yet. If you’re sensitive to how other people treat you and can be insecure, then you still have a way to go in being selfless and having a mature love.

If both individuals are very mature in their love, then they can marry within a day (or be an arranged marriage) and have a healthy marriage. But very few people are that mature. And the odds of having a lot of fun/joy in marriage are much lower without the next few guidelines…

2. Are you good friends? Is there a depth to your relationship that goes beyond the butterflies and romantic moments? For my wife Sky and I, we had already been friends for six and a half years before I asked her out. We already had a lot of good shared memories and knew a lot about each other. Because of the depth of our friendship we were able to know more quickly that we were meant to be together. We had already seen many different sides of each other. Friendship is crucial for a blessed marriage. You want to be marrying your best friend, or at least someone you connect very well with and consider a close friend. But friendships can take time so I don’t recommend couples deciding to marry each other shortly after meeting one another for the first time, unless their love as individuals has been proven to be very mature and selfless. If as time passes in the dating relationship the friendship doesn’t deepen that much, then that is likely a sign to break up.

3. Have you handled conflict and communication well together? When there is conflict do you just pretend nothing is wrong and try and bury the issue or pretend the conflict was never there? Or are you able to work it out well? Many couples during the initial romantic high will really believe they will never have a conflict and that they are perfect for each other. It’s hard to be offended when you’re head over heels for the other person. But soon that initial high will fade and you will both begin to show your true colors. Romance shouldn’t die, but there should be a season of deepening. Conflict creates much depth in a relationship. Healthy communication and confidence in one’s identity are crucial for being a good match. Don’t let a conflict shake you. But after a few conflicts you should see whether your relationship is getting deeper (good sign) or is getting strained (bad sign).

4. Do you look forward to seeing the other? That is usually a no-brainer for most couples during the initial stages of dating, but later on as the relationship/friendship is developing and there are different conflicts, this is a good question to ask oneself. Almost every man I know (including myself) went through a time of doubt before getting married. For me, a bit later in our dating relationship after certain struggles with Sky I would wonder if I was making the right choice or if I should just remain single. And for a season I found myself noticing other girls I had never thought of before. It wasn’t that I was cheating on Sky in my mind, I think simply the realization that I would be marrying her for life was sinking in really deep and my mind was really analyzing whether this was the best thing to do or not. In those moments of doubt, I had to reflect on my relationship with Sky and think about the qualities of Sky that I really appreciated and also think about the good times we had experienced together. Did I genuinely appreciate her? Did I genuinely enjoy our time together? And as I reflected I was reminded why I liked her so much and that I truly appreciated her and didn’t want to lose her. Then I resolved in my heart that she was the one for me and that I would commit to loving her to the end. Once you’re married, there can be no more doubt or thinking of other possibilities. The commitment must be strong. .

Mature love can make any marriage work. A deep friendship can make for a marriage with a strong, solid foundation. Enduring conflict and having healthy communication can make or break a relationship. And looking forward to seeing the other person can make for a fun, sweet marriage. There should be things you appreciate about the other person, and those should outweigh the other person’s imperfections to you.

In the end love is a choice. I personally am not a fan of couples or people that seek the prophetic word from God that they are meant to be. For “prophetically matched couples” they are essentially arranged marriages. They must choose to love each other and hope that their friendship will develop and that they will appreciate one another. It’s risky, and when there are struggles or disappointments it can become easy to blame God or become bitter with Him.

For me, God never told me personally to marry Sky. He also never told me not to. I just felt His joy over our relationship and peace in my heart in marrying her. Near the time I proposed to her God gave some confirmations to our relationship, but even then I still had a choice. I’m thankful Sky and I passed the different tests/guidelines I wrote above and that we chose to marry each other.

I believe prayer and walking with God are important in deciding who to marry. I also believe love is meant to be a choice and that God wants us to choose wisely. I hope the guidelines in this blog are a help to you in deciding whether he or she is the one.