Expectations, Relationships, and True Hope

Ever gone to a movie having really high expectations and then feeling let down at the end of it? Often times the movie wasn’t that bad, it’s just that because of your high expectations the movie had no chance to wow you, no matter how great it may have been. I’ve found it’s best to keep my expectations as measured as possible before watching a movie. And if a movie ends up really bad, then I try and sit back and make fun of it and laugh it off. Disappointment stinks, so why dwell on that emotion? Might as well make the best of it.

Here is an excerpt on expectations and relationships from the message, “Joy and Expectations,” that I preached back in 2014…

“Putting expectations on people creates burdens. Imagine dating someone who expects a ton of you: “He must have flowers, he must open the car door, he must write me sweet letters, he must cook for me, he must smile at me at all times, he must know how to read my mind and care for my every emotion” and on and on. To say there will be disappointment and unhappiness if those expectations aren’t met creates a ridiculous burden for the other person. There should be healthy expectations in relationships, but if your joy is dependent on an expectation in another person, even your spouse, then you are demonstrating that you expect more from that person than you do from God. Let me say that again: if your joy is dependent on an expectation in another person, even your spouse, then you are demonstrating that you expect more from that person than you do from God. If your joy is dependent on someone other than God, then you are either idolizing that person or you are demonstrating a lack of faith in the Lord that He can satisfy you in that area.

I know some people who won’t date out of fear that their spouse will fail them by looking at porn or by having an affair or by suddenly no longer being romantic. For some such people their parents or close friends had divorced or endured a really hard time because of sin, so there is a fear of going through the same. When such people come to Sky and me seeking full assurance that they will be safe, we honestly can’t give it to them. We are all human. We all make mistakes. As much as some people seem really perfect, in the end they have their own flaws and temptations. We reassure such people that at least our church has a good system of accountability and covering, so we keep track of each other and are there for each other when there is temptation or failure. Accountability and covering are huge helps and should provide some level of comfort. But to expect a leader or pastor to keep someone in the church in perfect order is a burden that none of us can carry. We are not the author and perfecter of a person’s faith. We can be used by God, but in the end it is the Lord who is the author and perfecter. In the end our expectations must be in the Lord. We cannot live in fear that someone, including our spouse, will disappoint us. Fear demonstrates a lack of trust in God’s love. 1John 4:18 says perfect love drives out fear. When we are filled with the true love of the Lord, then we can trust in Him even when those dear to us fail us. We can trust that God will take care of us and that He hears our prayers.

Let me be clear, love is both a choice and a risk. Love is not circumstantial. Love has no guarantee of being reciprocated. Love is meant to be constantly coming from us, regardless of how we are being treated. Jesus commands us in Luke 6:27 to love our enemies. In Luke 6:35 Jesus calls us to love expecting nothing in return. Putting contracts or expectations on those you love is not love at all. One of the most basic marriage vows is, “For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish from this day forward until death do us part.” The most beautiful marriages are when two people surrender their fears and their futures to the other and choose to love their spouse fully and completely. There is freedom in such a relationship. That love is not based on performance; it’s based on grace, just as God’s love for us is based on grace. God will love us no matter what. When we do sin and evil we do hurt Him and we do require discipline, but His love is still there as we are repentant.

Fear must be given to the Lord. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you desires of your heart.” As you set your trust and expectation on the Lord and not on man, you will find yourself opening up to others in ways you couldn’t before. Not just in marriage, in other relationships as well you will begin experiencing deeper intimacy and deeper fulfillment.”

The joy of the Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10). Life is a lot more fun and easy when the anchor of our hope and expectations is God. People will disappoint. That doesn’t mean we should avoid them, but it also doesn’t mean we should allow ourselves to be easily discouraged or torn by them. So when I drive to the orphanage to be with the kids I always try and declare, “God, today is a great day because You are with me! Help me love them. Give me strength.” I love the days when the kids respond well. But I’ve learned to not be crushed on the days that they’re difficult. In the end my joy and my hope are set on God. No matter what comes, I have plenty of reasons to smile. It’s going to be okay!