10 Things Not to Say to a Pregnant or Trying to Conceive Woman

***The following were submitted by different good friends of mine who have gone through seasons of trying to conceive and have been pregnant and had babies. I’m sure there are more, so if you have another please post it below in the comments section. I think one nugget of wisdom I got through all this is to pose your questions/concerns privately to the husband and not to the wife. This process (trying to conceive/being pregnant) can be very emotional for women. So talk with the husband privately if you have concerns. And don’t speak the following to the woman, even if you’re close to her!

1. ‘Oh my gosh, are you pregnant?’ Or others: ‘Maybe you’re pregnant?’ ‘Baby!?’ etc.
Even if you have suspicions that someone might be pregnant keep it to yourself (whether they are feeling sick (Oh, maybe she has morning sickness!) or emotional (Morning sickness?) or you feel some prophetic sixth sense that there is a baby). If indeed they are pregnant then they will share the news with you when they find it appropriate. And if they’re not but they’ve been trying, this question can be extremely insensitive. It will serve just as another reminder that no, they are not pregnant despite how badly they might want to be. So KEEP YOUR GUESSING TO YOURSELF and if you end up being right then you can high five yourself… and if you’re not then you saved the woman from unnecessary hurt.

2. ‘Don’t worry you’ll get pregnant soon’
Although this might sound like a comforting comment, in the wrong context it can be extremely frustrating or hurtful. Here are some examples of when NOT to say this

a) When another person’s pregnancy announcement is made or a discussion of someone else’s pregnancy comes up and you’re trying to make your very NON pregnant friend feel better. *SMH* It’s unnecessary to steal your friend’s opportunity to celebrate someone else and shift focus on the fact that she’s not pregnant. Very wrong wrong time to try to ‘comfort’ them.

b) If your friend is sharing about their hardships about trying to conceive please don’t say this. They’re not asking you to make their struggle invalid but to simply listen to what they’re going through. A thoughtful response would be ‘I’m here for you’ or ‘I’m sorry it’s been so difficult for you’ or ‘I’ll be praying with you.’

3. ‘Hurry up and get pregnant’
Um if you are that dense to say this to someone you need a good whooping! When any married couple plans to try to conceive is COMPLETELY up to their discernment. NEVER force any sort of ‘time frame’ on someone else. For someone who is trying to conceive this statement is infuriating because they’re probably trying to fight the temptation to be in a hurry by doing the opposite… relaxing.

4. ‘When are you going to get pregnant?’
My issues with this statement are similar with the above statement. A friend once shared how she was tempted to respond to this statement by asking the person, ‘Well, when are YOU going to get married?’ LOL. It’s just as obnoxious for a married woman to get asked when she’s going to get pregnant as it is for a single person to get asked when they plan to finally find someone and get married. We would all love to give an answer to those questions but who the heck knows? Lol!

5. ‘I can’t tell you’re even pregnant!’

This can be very worrisome for a pregnant woman to hear during their 2nd trimester when usually one’s bump begins to appear more prominently. These words are not beneficial in any way. She’s pregnant and there’s a healthy baby growing inside her womb – whether you see it or not.

6. ‘Wow! Your belly is so big! Are you sure you’re not having twins?’
Yes, I’m sure I’m not having twins! Every woman’s pregnancy is different and every woman’s belly shape+size is different. It’s difficult not to compare yourself to other pregnancy bumps when others around you are (I remember one couple mentioning how they didn’t like how people were commenting on how ‘small’ their bump was). Small or large…it’s a beautiful bump! While I was pregnant, I wasn’t eating any more than I was when I wasn’t pregnant – in fact, I was actually eating less. Yet, my bump was quite big. I couldn’t help but feel fat when people commented on how big my bump was. Pregnancy bump or just a gut…a belly is a belly…it’s still part of your body!~

(And a side note, if you aren’t sure a person is pregnant then don’t say ANYTHING until you are 100% sure the person is in fact pregnant. Some men have said, “Congratulations!” to women they haven’t known for long or haven’t seen in a while and then found out that the woman wasn’t pregnant but had just gained some weight. Whoops!!!)

7. ‘Woa! You look like you’re about to pop!’
This was difficult for me to hear when I still had 2+ months to go in my pregnancy. The last trimester really feels like a marathon, and when you hear things like this, it messes with you because you know you’ve made it 8 months already…but STILL there’s 2 months to go and your belly’s only going to grow even bigger…faster. My advice is for people to be mindful of the due date – it’s announced for a reason. If you really have a concern one way or the other, then talk to the husband privately.

8. ‘What’s taking so long?’ Or: ‘Why isn’t the baby out yet?’
This question can insinuate that there is a problem and create unnecessary stress over the mother-to-be. Some babies are born prematurely, some right on time, and others like the womb a lot and need a bit more time. Only God knows the exact day and hour! Again, if there is concern, talk with the husband privately.

9. ‘Do you have a name for the baby? … Oh…Why that name?’
It’s the parents’-to-be right to announce or keep private the baby’s name. Don’t press trying to get the name, no matter how close you are to them.

(Note by JM: PEOPLE CAN BE REALLY FOOLISH ABOUT THIS!!! Read this next paragraph)

Another side to this is that some people (more often than you’d think) feel like their opinion matters when it comes to the baby’s name. When told what the baby’s name will be, people say really dumb, irrelevant things like… “I once knew a Crystal…she was the most rude person I’ve ever met” or “That sounds like a boy’s name” or even begin talking with their friends about how common that name is. My relative was going to name her son a certain name and then a bunch of the aunts, her brother even, and some friends said it sounded too girly or not really suitable for a Korean baby, and dissed the name so badly that she went with a different name that she didn’t like as much.

Some comments seem harmless, but to a pregnant woman with roller coaster hormones, you just want to be a bit more mindful.

10. ‘Is it okay for you to eat/drink that?’ (Or straight up “Don’t eat that” “I wouldn’t eat that” or “I wouldn’t let my wife eat that” or any one of the above)
It may be harmless and also people just trying to be helpful but in my case it was really annoying because I was the one pregnant and I didn’t want to be judged by the decision I was making (my nutrition plan was: everything in moderation is okay). Even though it was all in good intention, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to eat what I wanted or was being judged for my decision.

Extra notes…
– Don’t go up to a pregnant friend/acquaintance/stranger and touch her belly. That can be awkward and uncomfortable for the mother unless she gave permission first. 

– DON’T PROPHESY about whether the baby will be a boy or a girl. Unless you are super close with the person and get their permission first to give a prophetic word and you tell them it’s regarding the gender, don’t prophesy!

– Don’t command for the baby to come out (when they are nearing their due date). You can bless the process, but forceful commands even said in jest can come off like the baby is in the wrong or you’re even exorcising a demon. Bless the baby! Speak life!