Tips for Counseling People
Over the years of serving at the orphanage and also being a pastor, mentor, and counselor, I’ve learned that counseling is so much more than just words and advice. According to different studies our words only account for 7% of our communication while our tone has much more influence at 38%. Nonverbal elements like posture and gesture communicate even more, about 55% of our communication (these numbers are different depending on the study, but not by too much). There have been times where I have counseled someone with very clear words and instructions, only for them to later remember things completely differently. I’ve realized that more than my words, it was my tone or my facial expressions that left impressions on them. With that said, here are a few tips for counseling people…
1. Know if you should be the person counseling or not
There have been times in the past where people from other churches have sought out my counsel and out of love I responded to them. But then later I found out through their pastor or small group leader that these people had shunned their counsel and sought counsel elsewhere, just looking for someone to agree with them (similar to a child who gets a “No” from mom and then goes to dad with the same question hoping for a “Yes”). I’ve learned that I need to ask the person if he or she has approached her leader or boss first and hear what counsel was given. Sometimes I will refuse to give counsel until he or she has gone to the right person first. This isn’t just good for the person I’m counseling, but it’s also honoring to their leader.
2. Know the difference between a valid concern/issue and soulish talk/gossip
When people come to me with a complaint about my ministry, about someone I know, or about my church, I have to be careful and discern whether the complaint is valid or if the person is just venting. Venting is soulish talk: airing out unhealthy emotions and feelings with no desire for a solution. For example, “My boss is so annoying. She always talks way too much during meetings and makes really bad jokes. Her way of managing is completely off and she gives way too much work.” If the person is rolling his eyes as he shares and speaking with a disgusted tone, then that is clearly soulish talk. The person doesn’t want counsel, he just wants to vent. This type of venting needs to be cut off and addressed right away. You should never let a person keep grumbling in that way. But if it is a valid complaint, such as, “I’ve been struggling with my boss. I feel overworked and it’s been hard for me to talk to her because she is difficult to approach,” and the person seems to genuinely want to find a healthy solution, then it’s good to talk more and seek out a solution. I’m personally so blessed when someone opens up to me about a concern/struggle and is genuinely desiring to find a solution, not all negative and bitter.
3. Be very careful about your nonverbal communication. Do not nod your head or listen silently as someone gossips or shares things that are clearly wrong/off.
Most people think that a big part of counseling is “hearing the person out.” The truth is, if it’s a bunch of lies or gossip or soulish talk coming out then it is much better to cut the person off than to allow the person to keep talking. A person just by listening, and especially by nodding their head while listening, can give the impression of approval to the person talking. The longer the person complains, the more the person feels justified in whatever he or she is saying. If someone were to come to me and share a bunch of invalid complaints about my wife that are clearly off, I am not going to “hear the person out.” I’m going to cut the person off and declare the truths. If the complaints are valid and I do need to listen to get the full story, then I will carefully shake my head “no” as I’m listening if the person begins sharing things that are off. I am always quick to defend loved ones and superiors. When some complaints seem valid, I make sure to explain to the person the heart of whoever they are complaining about and then separately address the valid complaints to the person I’m connected to, or encourage the person to address that person directly. For example, if one of my kids at the children’s home expresses a complaint or struggle with a social worker there, then I will discern whether I should speak to the social worker directly or encourage the kid to speak to the social worker directly.
4. Don’t be offended by the person you’re counseling.
When an animal is wounded, it will bite whoever tries to tend to the wound, including its master. In the same way, I’ve counseled some people who I dearly love (and who has known I dearly love them) only for that person to turn on me and vent about me elsewhere. Some people just don’t want the truth and I’ve lost some friendships with people because they’ve been set on their bitterness or unhealthy lifestyle and have cut me off after I tried to counsel them. Some kids at the orphanage have avoided for me for long stretches because they didn’t like how I spoke into their life. But I can’t fear someone’s reaction while counseling them and I can’t let myself be offended by their reactions. I’ve learned I just need to speak the truth in love.
