Responding to Disagreements

In every family, friendship, church, and workplace there are going to be disagreements. No one is made exactly the same as another person. While two peoples’ religious views and political views could match to a T, their family values (child raising, disciplining, finances, etc) are likely going to have some sort of difference. Food preferences, scheduling preferences, and entertainment preferences are just a few of many other areas where there will be differences, no matter how compatible two or more people might be. Disagreement is bound to happen at some point or another. Disagreement does not necessarily mean a couple is incompatible. Disagreement should not mean you need to leave your church or leave your workplace. Disagreements are normal. To say, “Because I had this one disagreement with my father, I’m no longer his son” is ridiculous. No matter how strong a family might be, disagreements are going to happen.

Disagreements should not fracture the family or workplace unless deep-rooted values are having to be compromised. For example, if a boss were to tell his workers that they would need to work 7 days a week for 16 hours a day and value the company over their health and their family, then if the worker truly values his family he should quit. Or if a father were to tell his child to do something immoral or illegal, that’s a time where the disagreement can lead to having to leave the family. That might sound strong, but no child should have to submit to sin or evil.

Sadly, because of so many people having been raised in fractured/broken homes and because of the spirit of rebellion/individuality that is so strong in society now, people are becoming more easily stirred up by even small disagreements. Couples are breaking up for differences that really aren’t that deep. Churches are splitting because of fear and pride motivating the different parties. Few people have allegiance to their workplace now, unlike decades ago when there was pride among workplaces and rarely did people change jobs.

Because of the distrust, the fear, and the pride in society today, we have to be all the more careful about how we respond to disagreements. When we feels ourselves suddenly worked up over a matter, we need to take a pause and consider if we are responding out of fear, insecurity, distrust, or pride (toxins that poison relationships). Fits of anger are very rarely from the Holy Spirit. Even if the other person is completely wrong, to respond rashly is of the flesh and not of the Spirit. Patience is fruit of the Holy Spirit. As is gentleness. It’s in moments of disagreement that the Holy Spirit should be revealed the most clearly through us, by how we conduct ourselves in explaining our position and trying to understand where the other person is coming from.

Fundamental disagreements, or disagreements that cannot be compromised, should be extremely rare in families, churches, and workplaces. Most churches explain their denomination in their name (“First Presbyterian Church”) and the values/culture of workplaces are usually obvious from the interview and the first day of work. Rarely will a fundamental disagreement come up in a family unless a family member has a dramatic conversion or lifestyle change, and even with such strong disagreements if love has been established the family can still stay together.

Understanding that fundamental disagreements should be extremely rare should help relax a person in a disagreement. The person should calmly seek more understanding in the situation and view the other not as an enemy but as a fellow human being. When fear, insecurity, distrust, and pride are removed from disagreements, the communication becomes clear and honoring. Even in the greatest of disagreements the two parties are able to remain cordial.

So next time something rubs you the wrong way, check yourself first before responding. Were you rubbed the wrong way because of insecurity, fear, pride, or distrust? If so, acknowledging that will help you identify that the problem first rests with yourself. But if you are indeed pure, then seek more clarity in the situation and make sure there are no misunderstandings. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and honor the person. That way even if the disagreement just might happen to be fundamental and deep, there will still be love and honor shown. And if the other person is in sin, pray for the person. Commit the person to the Lord and bless the person. Forgiving, blessing, and committing the person to the Lord will help cleanse you from any poison the other person may have inflicted on you.

Proverbs 15:1 – A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 17:9 – Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.

Proverbs 17:14 – The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.

Luke 6:27-28 – But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.