Physical Affection While Dating

There are different levels of physical affection for a dating couple and a progression in passion depending on the affection…

1. Holding hands… feels amazing in the beginning, but not something people would term as “passionate.” It can definitely cause a bond between two people to grow quicker.

2. Cuddling together… this can become passionate depending on the place and the privacy. Cuddling while watching a movie with other people is usually sweet but not passionate.

3. A hug and simple kiss goodnight… the same: feels amazing in the beginning, but not something people would term as “passionate.” But, it can definitely get tempting to prolong the kisses as the relationship progresses.

4. Passionate (french) kissing… this is where things can “heat up” and passion can intensify… because, after all, if there is no passion in a french kiss then there is nothing between the couple at all. This passion can heat up with just a spark (one fun date, for example). It doesn’t take much for physical passion to suddenly become strong between two people kissing in such a way.

5. Intimate touching (fondling)… now clear lines have been crossed in terms of passion. God does not take pleasure in this happening outside of marriage (Ezekiel 23:3).

6. Sexual intimacy… the most intimate physical actions two people can partake and clearly meant to happen just between a husband and wife (1Corinthians 6:12-7:5).

Each level of affection represents flames of passion/exhilaration that can be so sweet and fun that they can cause someone to be “lovesick” if their relationship doesn’t have a strong framework yet. “Lovesick” is something poetry and movies love to portray as something beautiful. And while falling in love with someone truly is beautiful, it’s not beautiful when it’s done rashly or foolishly. I have witnessed many dating couples in my lifetime who were “lovesick” for each other but were completely wrong for each other. Most either ended up in bitter breakups, or did marry but later divorced. Because they had upped their level of physical affection too quickly, their physical passion blinded them to their lack of healthy emotional and mental connection.

I personally recommend people not allow any physical affection into their relationship during their initial first few dates with each other (before any clear commitment as boyfriend/girlfriend has been made). For most couples it takes 4 – 6 get-to-know-you dates before they feel good about progressing to a committed dating relationship. And it’s at that point of commitment that physical affection can enter, but only at a pace that the couple agrees on together (while respecting the other, especially if the other’s pace is slower or boundaries are stronger). The more you spread out the increase in levels, the sweeter each level becomes. A couple that kisses on their first date usually won’t have the same exhilaration holding hands as a couple that chooses to wait to kiss for a while.

For me, in past relationships I realized the passion really picked up at #4. The chorus of Song of Songs is “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires (2:7, 3:5, 8:4).” I learned to really take that word to heart and not be foolish with boundaries. For #4, if I wasn’t careful, it could take me beyond God’s repeated command in Song of Songs. So for Sky and me, we agreed to not kiss until engagement. I wanted us to really focus on us and not on the physical aspect while dating. Sky felt the same. If we were to marry, we knew we would have a lifetime of enjoying physical affection with each other.

People usually have dessert after a good meal. They first get the nutrition and healthy stuff in, and then after filling up a bit they enjoy some dessert. As tempting as it might be to eat dessert first, it’s understood among almost everyone that dessert should come after a meal, not before it. Dessert first can cause a lack of appetite for the meal. It can affect the taste buds to no longer be able to fully enjoy the dinner. For pretty much everyone who eats their meal first and then has dessert, there is no regret afterward of, “Man, I wish I had eaten the dessert first.” At that point you’re already full, content, and healthier for having a balanced meal first. There is no regret. In the same way, no married couple regrets not having been more physically passionate with each other while dating.

Be patient and guarded in terms of affection. Too much too soon can spoil a dating relationship. Dating should be fun regardless of the level of physical affection. If it isn’t, then you should clearly end the relationship.

For more on this topic…

Here is a vid of our first kiss…