Let’s Just Be Friends

Here is some advice for those who enjoy having friends of the opposite gender (both for girls with guy friends and guys with girl friends)…

1. Understand that no friend of the opposite sex can be your best friend unless that person is your spouse. If you are a girl and your best friend is a guy, he can’t be your maid of honor. Sorry! Movies love to portray close friendships between guys and girls, and pretty much ALWAYS they will end up falling in love despite the girl initially not being interested for years. If you want the intimacy of a best friend and also want that person to be of the opposite sex, then try dating the person first. Marriage is the best friendship. But if there clearly isn’t interest in dating for both, then understand your close friendship has an expiration date (the moment one of you gets into a committed dating relationship). You can remain friends for life, but the dynamics change completely after one gets married.

2. Boundaries are important for friendships with the opposite gender. Just because you might feel comfortable texting late at night or writing notes or going on long walks with your friend of the opposite sex that doesn’t mean the other person feels the same. Usually frequent long walks, long one-on-one meals together, movies together, frequent texting, texting “Good night, sweet dreams,” and other such things are solely reserved for committed dating relationships. While it’s fine to watch a movie or have a meal or go on a walk with a friend of the opposite gender, to do those things frequently (multiple times) is unhealthy unless intentions in the friendship have been communicated clearly. And to do those things one-on-one (not in a group) with someone you don’t know well is pretty much a pseudo-date, which is immature for both people involved (be a man and communicate your intentions ahead of time whether this is a date or just as friends, and women be strong and don’t agree to something unless those intentions are communicated and you know your heart is guarded). That leads the next point…

3. Honest communication of intentions is crucial for close friendships with the opposite gender. People, especially guys, tend to avoid telling someone, “I just want us to be friends.” They are either oblivious or don’t want to hurt the other person, so they just leave things unsaid and pretend the other person feels the same way. THIS IS FOOLISH AND WEAK. Don’t think that just because there is an age gap or a difference of background that feelings can’t grow for the other person. So if you really don’t want to hurt the other person, then make sure the other person feels the same before spending extended time with them and messing with his or her heart. If the other person does have interest then at some point he or she is going to have to know that the interest isn’t mutual. To leave things unsaid is to completely mess with the other person’s heart. And if you’re the one with the feelings, to leave things unsaid is to completely mess with your own heart!

It always stinks to hear someone isn’t interested in you, but it stinks even more when the person you’ve been developing feelings for tells you much later that there is no interest. Honest communication is critical! And if the feelings are indeed mutual that there is no interest, then the friendship can be safe and healthy. Boundaries should still be kept (no late night texting or excessive time together), and if feelings do happen to grow it’s crucial for them to be communicated. Otherwise the person’s heart will be hurt much more the longer the friendship lasts. Communicate with clear words! Something like, “I just don’t want any misunderstandings, I see you as a great friend and just as that. Do you feel the same way?” And if someone says that to you, be honest in your response! Believe it or not, sometimes being honest about your feelings of interest can actually open the other person’s heart to later try a date together. But if not, it’s best the other person knows your heart and doesn’t destroy it by trying to continue to be close friends with you. This leads to…

4. You are destroying your heart if you think you can maintain a friendship with someone you are interested in. This is really sad and depressing. Please move on if the interest isn’t mutual. Don’t waste your time. There are plenty of other great people out there, people of the opposite gender to try dating and people of the same gender to have good friendships with. Don’t waste your time with someone who will serve as a consistent reminder that your feelings have been rejected. Spurned hearts can’t heal if they are constantly reminded of the rejection. You need to spend time with other people and move on. Your heart will heal. And you will rejoice at the better friendships you will form with people who truly appreciate you.

5. If you are an adult, then the best people to date are the people you have a good friendship with. If feelings start to grow at some point in your friendship, which can be natural, then be honest and share the feelings (whether you’re a girl or a guy)! Ask for a date! I’ve blogged about dating your friends before: https://www.comequicklyministries.org/blog/dating-friends/.

May you honor the hearts of your close friends of the opposite gender and may your friendships be blessed!

Here is a link to past blog posts about dating – https://www.comequicklyministries.org/blog/category/dating/