Don’t Date Your Siblings

We tend to be the most comfortable around our immediate family members, particularly around our siblings. The ways we tease, the ways we handle our temper, the standards we hold each other to… these are usually all different with our siblings compared to with our friends or with strangers. It can also be difficult to forget mistakes, poor habits, and character flaws in our siblings. Familiarity breeds contempt, and so it is usually more difficult to be patient and caring towards our siblings who we grew up with.

One of the best words of advice I got before I married was from my mom. She warned me, “Don’t ever treat Sky like one of your sisters.” Now, I was never a bad brother to my two sisters, Katie and Laura, but I definitely teased them a lot. And if I wasn’t careful, sometimes the teasing could go too far. We could also be a lot more critical with each other growing up, choosing to focus on the negative things more often than the positive.

My younger sister matured a lot while I was at college, but whenever I came home for visits I still saw her as the middle school student she was when I first left. And when I would tease her and talk to her like I always had growing up, she would tend to slip back into being the younger sister and not the more mature older teenager she had become. It wasn’t until later when I chose to view my younger sister as a lady and not as the younger sister I always knew that it became easier for me to honor her, be positive with her, and build her up. And when I did that, she stopped reverting back to acting as a younger sister and instead acted more like herself. Now when I am with her or with my older sister, there is rarely ever any criticizing or unhealthy teasing or anything negative. We treat each other like adults, who we love very much.

It pains me when I see people date or even marry someone who they treat like one of their siblings. When I see a couple tease each other too far or a spouse speak in a condescending tone as they would to a sibling, I want to intervene and counsel them: “You are not siblings. You are a couple. Honor each other!” While teasing can be fun and make some laughs, you would never tease a stranger or even a friend too much. In the same way, teasing needs to be restrained in a dating/marriage relationship. Language between a couple needs to be uplifting. Actions toward each other need to be honoring and protecting.

If you want healthy relationships, whether with your future spouse or with your friends or with your family, it’s important to see each other in their true identity and not in their struggles, whether past or present. Everyone has flaws and if you are with them long enough you will likely see all of them. But instead of focusing on the flaws, we need to honor each other for who God has really made us to be. Then there is freedom to not have to worry about failing and being called out. Instead we can relax and truly enjoy being with each other.

I want to share this sermon again. It’s one of the most important ones I’ve preached. While discovering our own true identity is crucial, it’s just as important to help others discover their own as well…